In the last two months, I spent a lot of nights playing a video game.
(Oh, by the way! I'm back! I planned to write again last January, but life happened. Our son was hospitalized for a week in late January due to Kawasaki Disease. We adjusted our schedule while he was recovering. Then, I got distracted by the video game I was playing. Hehe.)
When I was about to finish the game, I felt some mixed emotions. I wanted to finish the game to know how it ended, but I also didn't want it to end.
Looking back, I realized I didn't want to finish the game because of three fears:
The fear of discomfort.
I got so used to playing that it became a comfortable habit.
Finishing the game meant facing the discomfort of spending my extra time working again. (In my line of work, it is prudent to have at least two sources of income.)
The fear of failure.
Because I lost so much momentum, I was afraid to start again.
I was afraid of working hard only to fail, putting myself out there and risking looking foolish or delusional, and the uncertainty of pursuing something without any guarantee that it would work.
The fear of facing myself.
While playing, I was the hero of the story. I was in control of my destiny. I would grind, level up, and get better equipment. When defeated, I would reload the game, try again, try better, and win. My hard work would almost always get rewarded.
But after playing, I was back to reality. I had to face my insecurities, wounds, brokenness, and shortcomings.
Playing allowed me to escape not only my problems momentarily but also myself.
But the game had to end, and I had to face myself again.
It can be tempting to move on to the next game or watch another show. But I don't want to live my life hiding from myself anymore. I cannot escape forever.
Facing myself
It took me over a week to get back on track. But what helped me are the following ideas:
Stop comparing myself to others.
It doesn't matter whether this project works or not. I just need to create my life's work, something I do for myself and, hopefully, for a few people who will find this helpful or valuable.
Recommit. I failed in my commitments before, but I can always try and commit again. Failure is not the end.
As a person of faith, I believe I am not defined by my failures, fears, brokenness, and weaknesses. Not even my past successes, achievements, or capabilities. My worth is inherent as the Father's love for me is freely given. As St. John Paul said during World Youth Day:
You are not the sum of your weaknesses and your failures but of the Father's love and your capacity to be like His Son.
And as I start writing again, I changed what this project is about. It's simple. It's about living and growing one day a time.
To face my challenges, insecurities, and myself one day at a time.
To create value one day at a time.
To do meaningful work one day at a time.
Everything worthwhile is created one day at a time.
It's something that helped me get back on track. And that's how I wish to write, draw, and help as well — one day at a time.
How about you? Are you struggling with facing yourself too? Are you distracting yourself from yourself? Take it one day at a time.